We Almost Have It

It was Sunday afternoon of December 4, 2016 when I was bleeding really heavy. We were heading to Intramuros to watch the Grand Marian Procession with Kimpee’s family. I had to change my napkin twice before leaving because of my heavy flow. On our way to Intramuros, I felt really uncomfortable, worrying that the seat cover might get stained. I can’t  even sit properly so Kimpee handed me a plastic to sit on it.

When we reached the place and got off of the van, (let me say it in tagalog) bumulusok ang napakadaming dugo, buo-buo at ramdam kong malalaking bloke ito ng dugo. I was really nervous and confused why my flow is really heavy. I had to change my pants since the blood spread all over my behind. Tita Emie gave me a bigger shirt and Tito Berning gave me his sweatshirt  so I can cover my behind. Kimpee and I walked and cross the streets hoping that we can find at least a small store to buy new pants or leggings. Kimpee started to get irritated saying, “Kung kelan may lakad tsaka naman ganyan. Bilisan mo lakad. Bakit kasi hindi mo inisip yan”  I started to get really emotional, I’m so  confused why it’s happening. I started to cry and say, “Kapag ikaw nagkaganito, hindi naman kita papagilatan, tutulungan kita masolve yan kaya sana wag mo ko pagalitan kasi nalilito nako.” Then I cried, really hard. I don’t care if people will stare at me. I started to feel series of strong and painful cramps that I never felt before. I can’t stop my tears, it’s really painful. We’re still walking, until I told Kimpee to get a cab going to Quiapo. As it is the only place I know that we can go to buy new clothes. Taxi cabs won’t take us due to traffic but finally we reached the area where the jeepney  route to Quiapo is at. Good thing the jeepney is empty so I cried really hard and Kimpee hugged me and assured me that everything will be fine. “Eto na, pagbaba namin, yung inupuan ko, akala mo may kinatay, duguan talaga.!” 

We continue to walk but the strong cramps wont let me walk. “Parang may pinipilipit sa loob ng puson ko, hindi ako makalakad, uyak ako ng iyak sa sakit. Yung pain naman, pawala wala sya. Pero sobrang sakit talaga. Akala ko mamamatay nako.” Kimpee just kept on hugging me, trying to console my emotions. He was very patient this time. We stop when I needed to stop walking. Finally, we were able to to buy 2 pars of leggings, a few blocks away, there’s Mercury Drug where I bought a pack of adult diaper. We can’t find a store to buy  a new panty so we bought briefs instead. However, I wasn’t able to wear the new briefs because the adult diaper is too big. But you can wear it without undies.

“Hindi ko maatim tingnan ang mga dugong lumabas sakin. Sobrang dami na naitapon ko talaga ang panty ko. Nakakapanginig ng laman talaga. Hindi ko maisip kung bakit ako dinugo ng ganong sobra sobra.” Finally I was able to change clothes and clean myself. I felt better too. The cramps were tolerable and not too painful. Kimpee is still worried, he would ask if I’m okay every single minute. We went back to Intramuros and we were able to watch the Grand Marian Procession which started a few minutes before we came back.

Just to cut the story short, “pag uwi namin, nag cr ako agad. may lumabas na naman bloke ng dugo na halos kasinlaki ng palad ko. Pag pinisil mo sya, hindi sya nabbreak into pieces. Lalo ako nataranta. Sa takot ko, tinapon ko sya agad. Sinabi ko kay Kimpee ung nakita ko, kay nagdecide kami na magpacheck kinabukasan.”

At the clinic, I summarized what happened and my OB suspects that I my case is related to pregnancy. But she wants to make sure so we did some tests like PT and IE. PT shows positive! “Nagulat ako at sobrang happy din kami ni Kimpee. Nakabuo rin sa wakas. Buntis pala ko. Pero sabi ng OB ko, may instances na positive pa rina ng result pero wala nang laman sa loob. So may test syang ginawa. Nakita nya may nakabara pang dugo, kinuha nya yun at ramdam ko ang pagdugo talaga.” Then suddenly OB says, “Mae nakunan ka.” It was soft with too much care. She knows how much I wanted to have a baby as she’s been my OB since 2014. “Wala akong nasabi, shocked ako sa bilis ng mga pangyayari.”  

She asked me to do the transvaginal ultrasound, and I would still be thankful na hindi na ko raraspahin dahil nailabas ko lahat ng dugo. My OB instructed me to take some meds to continue bleeding to make sure that all fetal blood will be taken out.

I felt really guilty, really sad at sobrang nanghihinayang. Totoo pala ang deppresion after miscarriage. Iiyak ka na lang basta. You will feel sorry why it happened. Bakit hindi ko nalaman agad. Feeling ko nagpabaya ako. Nagbakasyon pa kami sa Hong Kong. And we walked for about 14hrs each day. Dun na stress ang baby ko. Maraming signs na ngayon ko lang narealize. Like super nagcrave ako sa ice cream at halo halo. Always feeling tamad at gutom. Pero lahat ng yun, I treated as normal. Kung kelan ako hindi nag PT tsaka naging positive. Super depressing.

But thanks to all my friends and relatives who sent their support to lift my emotions. And to my sister who sent me tons of messages every single hour to make sure that i will feel better. Truly, God has a plan. Maybe to let me start a healthy lifestyle. To be more cautious next time. For now, I can still rejoice knowing na pwede pala kami makabuo. 

Yes, we almost have it. But fate slipped it away. Be patient to God’s perfect timing.

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